REDEEMED By Amey Fair
I am standing on the Great Wall of China
I am twenty two
crying into my mittens I ask You-
"How did I get here? Who am I?"
And You answer me: "You are NEW"
And I am blooming and I am shedding
and I am barely getting
any sleep
because You keep me awake
with Your love whispers and intercession.
"Who are You?" I ask
"I am HUSBAND"
And sometimes it feels
like my heart will explode into a thousand
tiny little love particles
for I am overcome with the joy of the Lord
and the Word that is sharper than a two-edged sword.
This word tells me who I am and I am FREE
I am standing at the end of the aisle
I can't believe I'm getting married, I smile
and feel Your approval wash over me
"Lord, how did I get here and who am I now?"
and You answer: "You are PURE"
Still there are days I feel haunted and blind
and then I hear that still small voice-
"Be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
"Are You here?" I ask
and You answer: "I AM"
I am standing by his crib
blanketed by dark
the smell of baby shampoo
the beat of his tiny little heart
who knew this love would be so earth-shattering?
"Father, is this how you feel about me?" "IT IS"
Oh Jesus
I am reminded of Your question to Peter
and I ask You in turn-
"Who do YOU say that I am?"
And You answer me
And You answer me
And You answer me
"YOU ARE MINE"
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Sat night bloggish
Saturday night, 10 o'clock pm. I am reading a very rich, fun, book right now that I was fortunate enough to come across at Barnes-N-Noble last week. 'Surprised By Oxford' by Carolyn Weber is the book. It's essentially a conversion observed and a beautifully penned memoir of the inner-heart-dialogue of this young woman as she steps into her first year at Oxford University and a new life with Christ. I am loving the quoted poetry and the feeling that I am indeed right there with 'Caro' as her friends call her, at Oxford as a first year student. I usually gravitate toward Christian, non-fiction, life-instruction type books, so this is a refreshing change although I admit, it feels frivolous at times. I gotta lighten up with my reading. I always feel that I should be reading something that grows me as a person, or in my walk with the Lord, or a classic book that will enrich my greater understanding of literature/big issues, etc. I suppose this book fits loosely into that line-up, but very loosely. Anyway, I'm enjoying it.
Tuesday we leave for Minnesota. Our beloved small groupee, DTS outreach student and beloved nanny for our children many summers and many moves past; Jocelyn, is getting married on September 4th. Nathan is performing the ceremony, Phoebe is a flower girl, and I am wearing one smokin-hot bridesmaid dress and 15 inch heels to celebrate. I am not the short, strapless dress-wearing type kind of gal, so this is big hot-Mama stuff for me. Nathan loves the get-up. He would. ;) We are thrilled to be setting up camp at the Griffis household. Our dear friends, and former YWAM'ers, Barak and Laura are graciously hosting the six of us for our time in Minneapolis. I am looking forward to coffee and conversation and slumber party-ing with these 2, as they are truly some of our nearest and dearest friends ever!
In other news, not so fun news, life has been bumpy lately. I don't want to throw up on my blog, but this has been a tough season in several different aspects. Right now we could use prayer for direction for the future, unity in our marriage and decision making, parenting Averic, Nathan's sleep-walking-health issues, and our finances. *whew* God has always been good to us and He still is in this season, it just feels like one of those years, where one thing comes right on the tail of another and honestly, I'm just a little road weary. *yawn*
Happy news now..Nathan is signed up for another semester at MCC taking business courses and it's something that he also finds enjoyable so that is nice. His pig project from last semester has panned out beautifully and his pasture grazed pigs are TWICE the size as their brothers and sisters from the same litter who have only been fed pellets. He walked a little taller that day he came back from the farm that sold us the pigs last week! This semester's project will be a 1,000 fish aquaponic set-up where Tilapia fish and vegetables are grown in a system set up to create a symbiotic relationship between the plants and the fish. This type of system is becoming quite useful in 3rd world settings and he is extremely excited about it.
I am excited to get more involved with the local home school group this year as well as the co-op. Ben will be taking Art II and Averic will be taking P.E./Health. I have been impressed with the co-op so far and how it runs like a well-oiled machine. Maybe I could start one wherever we end up next? Oh how I despise organizing people. Oh well, what an awesome ministry! I am so glad for Ben that he will get to have detailed art instruction and get to use the professional, fun, art-supplies and make a big mess with other kids! I am equally excited for Averic to get to have some structured, physical exersize and learn how to play a few group sports. ANY opportunity for Averic to burn off energy is a good thing!!
Lastly, I am going to be speaking at a ladies church conference with my Mom and sister in the fall and I am very expectant about the opportunity. Although the specifics aren't nailed down, I will be sharing some from my testimony, and lessons of faith I've learned, a bit about motherhood and family etc. Surprisingly, this introvert gets really energized about speaking publicly. Who knew? :)
I feel like I have been in a sandstorm and unable to see anything except for what is right in front of me lately, so I am looking toward the rest of 2011 through a hopeful, prayerful, and expectant lens.
Tuesday we leave for Minnesota. Our beloved small groupee, DTS outreach student and beloved nanny for our children many summers and many moves past; Jocelyn, is getting married on September 4th. Nathan is performing the ceremony, Phoebe is a flower girl, and I am wearing one smokin-hot bridesmaid dress and 15 inch heels to celebrate. I am not the short, strapless dress-wearing type kind of gal, so this is big hot-Mama stuff for me. Nathan loves the get-up. He would. ;) We are thrilled to be setting up camp at the Griffis household. Our dear friends, and former YWAM'ers, Barak and Laura are graciously hosting the six of us for our time in Minneapolis. I am looking forward to coffee and conversation and slumber party-ing with these 2, as they are truly some of our nearest and dearest friends ever!
In other news, not so fun news, life has been bumpy lately. I don't want to throw up on my blog, but this has been a tough season in several different aspects. Right now we could use prayer for direction for the future, unity in our marriage and decision making, parenting Averic, Nathan's sleep-walking-health issues, and our finances. *whew* God has always been good to us and He still is in this season, it just feels like one of those years, where one thing comes right on the tail of another and honestly, I'm just a little road weary. *yawn*
Happy news now..Nathan is signed up for another semester at MCC taking business courses and it's something that he also finds enjoyable so that is nice. His pig project from last semester has panned out beautifully and his pasture grazed pigs are TWICE the size as their brothers and sisters from the same litter who have only been fed pellets. He walked a little taller that day he came back from the farm that sold us the pigs last week! This semester's project will be a 1,000 fish aquaponic set-up where Tilapia fish and vegetables are grown in a system set up to create a symbiotic relationship between the plants and the fish. This type of system is becoming quite useful in 3rd world settings and he is extremely excited about it.
I am excited to get more involved with the local home school group this year as well as the co-op. Ben will be taking Art II and Averic will be taking P.E./Health. I have been impressed with the co-op so far and how it runs like a well-oiled machine. Maybe I could start one wherever we end up next? Oh how I despise organizing people. Oh well, what an awesome ministry! I am so glad for Ben that he will get to have detailed art instruction and get to use the professional, fun, art-supplies and make a big mess with other kids! I am equally excited for Averic to get to have some structured, physical exersize and learn how to play a few group sports. ANY opportunity for Averic to burn off energy is a good thing!!
Lastly, I am going to be speaking at a ladies church conference with my Mom and sister in the fall and I am very expectant about the opportunity. Although the specifics aren't nailed down, I will be sharing some from my testimony, and lessons of faith I've learned, a bit about motherhood and family etc. Surprisingly, this introvert gets really energized about speaking publicly. Who knew? :)
I feel like I have been in a sandstorm and unable to see anything except for what is right in front of me lately, so I am looking toward the rest of 2011 through a hopeful, prayerful, and expectant lens.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Prose for He who has taken my ashes
There is something less broad trying to widen inside of me
like yeast, rising
truth expanding,
yet becoming more narrow
The manner in which I am allowed to walk is becoming more defined
by Him who refines and DEFINES all truth.
My options become fewer as my flesh again assesses it's "fleshliness".
I am reminded that in my sin, nothing good could be found-a little leaven
leavens the whole lump.
Only because of HIM am I redeemed and redeemed UNTO Him
that He might take His glory in some small way.
My personal gain is simply a bi-product of His mercy.
Let not the pride of my flesh put conditions on my faithfulness to You Lord..
Your sheer holiness, even the small glimpse that I have, is enough to weaken my knees
make my spirit bow in adoration
Your holiness before me makes all things peripheral
I become singular in purpose
The narrow road stretches out before me
My Bride-groom Redeemer awaits at the end
I fix my gaze
Our eyes lock
He is my purpose
I will stay the course
finish the race
let the chaff fall from my shoulders
welcome the chisel
fight for this love
engage in the battle against my self
to become wholly owned by Him
who has wiped these ashes from my face
to see beauty
where no beauty could be found
end~
like yeast, rising
truth expanding,
yet becoming more narrow
The manner in which I am allowed to walk is becoming more defined
by Him who refines and DEFINES all truth.
My options become fewer as my flesh again assesses it's "fleshliness".
I am reminded that in my sin, nothing good could be found-a little leaven
leavens the whole lump.
Only because of HIM am I redeemed and redeemed UNTO Him
that He might take His glory in some small way.
My personal gain is simply a bi-product of His mercy.
Let not the pride of my flesh put conditions on my faithfulness to You Lord..
Your sheer holiness, even the small glimpse that I have, is enough to weaken my knees
make my spirit bow in adoration
Your holiness before me makes all things peripheral
I become singular in purpose
The narrow road stretches out before me
My Bride-groom Redeemer awaits at the end
I fix my gaze
Our eyes lock
He is my purpose
I will stay the course
finish the race
let the chaff fall from my shoulders
welcome the chisel
fight for this love
engage in the battle against my self
to become wholly owned by Him
who has wiped these ashes from my face
to see beauty
where no beauty could be found
end~
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Phoebe's Birth Story...2 years later :)
The Beautiful Birth Story of Phoebe Lucille Fair
According to the “dates” I was due on July 26th, 2009..but Phoebe had her own ideas and decided to make her big debut almost three weeks later on August 16th. I went to bed around 1 am after staying up and talking to my Mom who had been staying with us for two weeks waiting for baby to come. Around 2:30 am I felt a “POP!” and jumped out of bed with water running down my legs. I woke up my husband and told him my water had broken and I was getting in the shower and that I would wake him up when things got started. I showered and shaved and packed up a few things, started a wash load of diapers so Nathan’s Dad (who was also staying with us) didn’t have to deal with stinky laundry while we were away and then I went back to bed. Contractions started around 4 am and were coming pretty consistently around 10 to 12 minutes apart. Nathan called our doctor and he said we needed to go ahead and come in since we had an hours drive ahead of us. I couldn’t believe it was already time to go! I woke up my Mom and told her it was time to leave, gave some last minute instructions to Nathan’s Dad about caring for the boys and we headed to Guadalajara. When we got there, doctor Jose Luis and my doula Joni were there to welcome us. I loved it, Jose Luis was wearing shorts and a t-shirt..just another reminder that this birth was going to be an entirely different experience than my other three.
We settled in to our room and Jose Luis listened to the baby’s heartbeat and sat and visited with us for a while. He said that since my labor was mild at this point that we were free to run around town, go eat, go shopping and walk around and get things going. Wow! I didn’t have to have an IV, didn’t have to get in bed and wait it out while being pumped full of pitocin..this was wonderful!! We sat and visited with Joni for a while and then decided to go get some food and walk around. We hit Burger King (I know, healthy) and then went to Wal Mart to walk around. Mom bought Nathan some shirts and I got some school supplies for Ben. All this time I was having to stop every 8 to 10 minutes to breathe through a contraction. We left Wal Mart and went to Starbucks so Mom could get her fix and then went to a tack store (you know, saddles, horsey stuff, etc.) so Mom could check out Mexican tack. After that I was ready to head back and get some rest. We went back to the birth center and went to bed early around 8 pm. Around 9:30 pm my contractions were more intense and frequent so I got up and walked around and then woke up Mom and Nathan. Mom started timing the contractions and they were coming 3 minutes apart pretty consistently. I decided I wanted to get in the birth tub so we called Joni and got instructions for filling it and asked her to go ahead and come to the center. I changed into my little sports top and waited for the water to be ready while I breathed through contractions.
Getting in to that hot water was AMAZING..it was such a relief and helped me to relax. My sweet husband had gotten all of the candles out and lit them and the room was just beautiful. There was piano music playing in the background and the atmosphere was just lovely. And then, the Mexican marching band started playing right outside the birth center. Oh me. They were celebrating a Catholic holiday called “The Assumption of Mary” and there were about 6,000 people crowding the streets. So, I labored to Mexican marching band music and fireworks until about 3 am! We were all cracking up between contractions, it’s something I’ll never forget.
About this time, I start to lose track of time because labor is getting really intense. Apparently I “sing” my babies out, as I was “woooooo” ing through each contraction. Guess one never knows what they’ll do until they’re in the moment! It was getting pretty crazy inside those contractions and at one point I begged for an epidural. I later realized this was transition as just a few minutes later I felt the baby move into the birth canal and felt pushy for the first time. Once I could feel the pushy sensation I didn’t feel the need for an epidural anymore because I knew the end was in sight.
I was in my own world at this point and would often be surprised to hear people in the room talking. My “woooo’s” were turning into loud groans and my whole body was shaking. A couple of times I fought tears knowing that crying would only make me lose my focus and I needed to focus to stay on top of things. Suddenly I had to “use the john” so I got out of the water and went to the toilet. While I was going, I was suddenly overcome with severe back pain. It was hard for me to move and I was crying out that something was wrong. Joni and Nathan got me off the toilet and Jose Luis got a flashlight and checked me to see what was going on. They didn’t tell me at the time, but the baby had turned posterior and I was in back labor. (This explains my sudden need to poop as the baby’s head was pushing against my intestine) This is where Joni really came into play. She had me put one leg on a stool and asked me to squat. It was the hardest thing I have ever done because everything in me wanted to curl up and fight the pain. They put my leg up and I squatted but it was unbearable, so I stood up and she had me bend my other knee and sway my hips. I have never felt so much pain. I just kept saying “my back, my back, my back!” And then I heard Jose Luis tell Nathan “we should give her an epidural, back labor is very excruciating for a woman.”
Nathan said he started praying and crying and asking God to turn the baby. It was such an intense moment. Suddenly the pain was gone and I HAD to push. I started grunting and they hurried me back into the birthing tub. I got on my knees and leaned over the edge of the tub and pushed. I felt her head emerge and Nathan was right behind me. He said “I have the baby’s head! The head is out!” That was all I needed to hear and I gave a good long push and felt the shoulders emerge and then the rest of the body. She came out at 6:37 am. Nathan was crying and I felt total relief. I lifted my leg over the umbilical cord and turned around and sat down and they handed me the baby. I heard my Mom say “boy” so I didn’t even look to see the sex of the baby, I just assumed it was another boy. We all sat there and talked and laughed and cried for about five minutes and then Joni said “have you checked to see what the baby is yet?” So, knowing it was a boy already, I lifted up the by’s leg and IT WAS A GIRL!!! I said “We have a GIRL!” and then we all started boo hoo’ing all over again..even dr. Jose Luis and Joni. It was a beautiful moment!
We sat there in the water admiring her for a little while and then I felt my uterus contracting to push the placenta out. Jose Luis told me to hold the cord and gently push when I felt a contraction. Two little contractions and the placenta came out. Jose Luis showed it to us and explained how it was inside of me and showed us where Phoebe was. God is so amazing to create a whole other organ just for the time a woman is pregnant! After that, Joni came and rinsed us off and drained the water from the tub. Dr. Frankie the pediatrician, came and evaluated Phoebe and weighed her. She weighed 7 lbs. 12 oz and was 20 inches long. Everyone helped me to our room and into bed and then they brought our sweet girl to me. She latched on right away and went to sleep.
I had a small tear from the quick delivery and Jose Luis gave me two stitches. After that, we all visited for a little while longer and then they all left. Mom, Nathan, Phoebe and I all went to sleep and woke around 1pm to pack up and head home. Jose Luis came by around 3:30 pm, checked me, and expressed some blood clots from my uterus which was not painful in the least..just a strange feeling. After that, we were free to go! I gave birth that morning, and we were leaving that afternoon! Incredible! I am left with so many wonderful feelings from this birth that I haven’t really had time to express or process yet..but I am so thankful that God led me to Jose Luis and Joni. I have always been told that my body just doesn’t “go into real labor on it’s own” and I actually believed that lie. Jose and Joni taught me to believe in the process, to believe that God had created my body for this very thing! Even waiting for those extra weeks was an excersize in trust. The American medical model would have c-sectioned me and had me thinking it was dangerous to wait for Phoebe. I have learned so much about trust, patience, not walking in fear, and trusting my body to do what God created it to do..the WAY He created it to work. My water ALWAYS breaks first. I ALWAYS labor slowly. God did not set a 24 hour time limit on having my water broken..the American medical birth model did that. I will never believe their jargon again. Now I know better. I CAN labor without pitocin. I CAN birth! I CAN VBAC! But best of all, I have this precious baby girl and the fondest memories to accompany her entrance into this world! I will never forget this life-changing experience!
According to the “dates” I was due on July 26th, 2009..but Phoebe had her own ideas and decided to make her big debut almost three weeks later on August 16th. I went to bed around 1 am after staying up and talking to my Mom who had been staying with us for two weeks waiting for baby to come. Around 2:30 am I felt a “POP!” and jumped out of bed with water running down my legs. I woke up my husband and told him my water had broken and I was getting in the shower and that I would wake him up when things got started. I showered and shaved and packed up a few things, started a wash load of diapers so Nathan’s Dad (who was also staying with us) didn’t have to deal with stinky laundry while we were away and then I went back to bed. Contractions started around 4 am and were coming pretty consistently around 10 to 12 minutes apart. Nathan called our doctor and he said we needed to go ahead and come in since we had an hours drive ahead of us. I couldn’t believe it was already time to go! I woke up my Mom and told her it was time to leave, gave some last minute instructions to Nathan’s Dad about caring for the boys and we headed to Guadalajara. When we got there, doctor Jose Luis and my doula Joni were there to welcome us. I loved it, Jose Luis was wearing shorts and a t-shirt..just another reminder that this birth was going to be an entirely different experience than my other three.
We settled in to our room and Jose Luis listened to the baby’s heartbeat and sat and visited with us for a while. He said that since my labor was mild at this point that we were free to run around town, go eat, go shopping and walk around and get things going. Wow! I didn’t have to have an IV, didn’t have to get in bed and wait it out while being pumped full of pitocin..this was wonderful!! We sat and visited with Joni for a while and then decided to go get some food and walk around. We hit Burger King (I know, healthy) and then went to Wal Mart to walk around. Mom bought Nathan some shirts and I got some school supplies for Ben. All this time I was having to stop every 8 to 10 minutes to breathe through a contraction. We left Wal Mart and went to Starbucks so Mom could get her fix and then went to a tack store (you know, saddles, horsey stuff, etc.) so Mom could check out Mexican tack. After that I was ready to head back and get some rest. We went back to the birth center and went to bed early around 8 pm. Around 9:30 pm my contractions were more intense and frequent so I got up and walked around and then woke up Mom and Nathan. Mom started timing the contractions and they were coming 3 minutes apart pretty consistently. I decided I wanted to get in the birth tub so we called Joni and got instructions for filling it and asked her to go ahead and come to the center. I changed into my little sports top and waited for the water to be ready while I breathed through contractions.
Getting in to that hot water was AMAZING..it was such a relief and helped me to relax. My sweet husband had gotten all of the candles out and lit them and the room was just beautiful. There was piano music playing in the background and the atmosphere was just lovely. And then, the Mexican marching band started playing right outside the birth center. Oh me. They were celebrating a Catholic holiday called “The Assumption of Mary” and there were about 6,000 people crowding the streets. So, I labored to Mexican marching band music and fireworks until about 3 am! We were all cracking up between contractions, it’s something I’ll never forget.
About this time, I start to lose track of time because labor is getting really intense. Apparently I “sing” my babies out, as I was “woooooo” ing through each contraction. Guess one never knows what they’ll do until they’re in the moment! It was getting pretty crazy inside those contractions and at one point I begged for an epidural. I later realized this was transition as just a few minutes later I felt the baby move into the birth canal and felt pushy for the first time. Once I could feel the pushy sensation I didn’t feel the need for an epidural anymore because I knew the end was in sight.
I was in my own world at this point and would often be surprised to hear people in the room talking. My “woooo’s” were turning into loud groans and my whole body was shaking. A couple of times I fought tears knowing that crying would only make me lose my focus and I needed to focus to stay on top of things. Suddenly I had to “use the john” so I got out of the water and went to the toilet. While I was going, I was suddenly overcome with severe back pain. It was hard for me to move and I was crying out that something was wrong. Joni and Nathan got me off the toilet and Jose Luis got a flashlight and checked me to see what was going on. They didn’t tell me at the time, but the baby had turned posterior and I was in back labor. (This explains my sudden need to poop as the baby’s head was pushing against my intestine) This is where Joni really came into play. She had me put one leg on a stool and asked me to squat. It was the hardest thing I have ever done because everything in me wanted to curl up and fight the pain. They put my leg up and I squatted but it was unbearable, so I stood up and she had me bend my other knee and sway my hips. I have never felt so much pain. I just kept saying “my back, my back, my back!” And then I heard Jose Luis tell Nathan “we should give her an epidural, back labor is very excruciating for a woman.”
Nathan said he started praying and crying and asking God to turn the baby. It was such an intense moment. Suddenly the pain was gone and I HAD to push. I started grunting and they hurried me back into the birthing tub. I got on my knees and leaned over the edge of the tub and pushed. I felt her head emerge and Nathan was right behind me. He said “I have the baby’s head! The head is out!” That was all I needed to hear and I gave a good long push and felt the shoulders emerge and then the rest of the body. She came out at 6:37 am. Nathan was crying and I felt total relief. I lifted my leg over the umbilical cord and turned around and sat down and they handed me the baby. I heard my Mom say “boy” so I didn’t even look to see the sex of the baby, I just assumed it was another boy. We all sat there and talked and laughed and cried for about five minutes and then Joni said “have you checked to see what the baby is yet?” So, knowing it was a boy already, I lifted up the by’s leg and IT WAS A GIRL!!! I said “We have a GIRL!” and then we all started boo hoo’ing all over again..even dr. Jose Luis and Joni. It was a beautiful moment!
We sat there in the water admiring her for a little while and then I felt my uterus contracting to push the placenta out. Jose Luis told me to hold the cord and gently push when I felt a contraction. Two little contractions and the placenta came out. Jose Luis showed it to us and explained how it was inside of me and showed us where Phoebe was. God is so amazing to create a whole other organ just for the time a woman is pregnant! After that, Joni came and rinsed us off and drained the water from the tub. Dr. Frankie the pediatrician, came and evaluated Phoebe and weighed her. She weighed 7 lbs. 12 oz and was 20 inches long. Everyone helped me to our room and into bed and then they brought our sweet girl to me. She latched on right away and went to sleep.
I had a small tear from the quick delivery and Jose Luis gave me two stitches. After that, we all visited for a little while longer and then they all left. Mom, Nathan, Phoebe and I all went to sleep and woke around 1pm to pack up and head home. Jose Luis came by around 3:30 pm, checked me, and expressed some blood clots from my uterus which was not painful in the least..just a strange feeling. After that, we were free to go! I gave birth that morning, and we were leaving that afternoon! Incredible! I am left with so many wonderful feelings from this birth that I haven’t really had time to express or process yet..but I am so thankful that God led me to Jose Luis and Joni. I have always been told that my body just doesn’t “go into real labor on it’s own” and I actually believed that lie. Jose and Joni taught me to believe in the process, to believe that God had created my body for this very thing! Even waiting for those extra weeks was an excersize in trust. The American medical model would have c-sectioned me and had me thinking it was dangerous to wait for Phoebe. I have learned so much about trust, patience, not walking in fear, and trusting my body to do what God created it to do..the WAY He created it to work. My water ALWAYS breaks first. I ALWAYS labor slowly. God did not set a 24 hour time limit on having my water broken..the American medical birth model did that. I will never believe their jargon again. Now I know better. I CAN labor without pitocin. I CAN birth! I CAN VBAC! But best of all, I have this precious baby girl and the fondest memories to accompany her entrance into this world! I will never forget this life-changing experience!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Evenings like this....
I watch the landscape change as we drive home from dinner out.
It has been a nice evening, great food, a menu in English and I didn't stand out from the crowd.
We pass the sports complex.
Soft, green, manicured grass, lights on the softball field. Men, mid-thirties toss balls and kick up dust and slap each other on the back , "at-a-boys" abound. I see my husband glance over his shoulder, the lights reflecting in his eyes.
I know he wants those moments. On a field like that, on a night like this. I would be comfortable in the stands, I would fit right in to this....
We would walk back to the suburban after the game, camping chairs and kids in tow. He would recount each play, ask if I had seen him catch that fly-ball like a maniac. I would pat his sweaty back and say "yeah Babe, that was awesome!" We would smile. He would glory. The boys would sport-talk with Dad all the way home. He would revel. I would laugh.
After showers and kiddo bed-time and monogrammed Pottery Barn pillow-cases, we would lie in bed and small talk about our day, our "stuff". He would tell me about work, I'd remind him about upcoming dinner plans with friends. We'd talk about house renovation, maybe a vacation...we'd plot our course, navigate our way through the American Dream.
It is the life that will never be, the dream that merely passes through my mind on evenings like this.
It has been a nice evening, great food, a menu in English and I didn't stand out from the crowd.
We pass the sports complex.
Soft, green, manicured grass, lights on the softball field. Men, mid-thirties toss balls and kick up dust and slap each other on the back , "at-a-boys" abound. I see my husband glance over his shoulder, the lights reflecting in his eyes.
I know he wants those moments. On a field like that, on a night like this. I would be comfortable in the stands, I would fit right in to this....
We would walk back to the suburban after the game, camping chairs and kids in tow. He would recount each play, ask if I had seen him catch that fly-ball like a maniac. I would pat his sweaty back and say "yeah Babe, that was awesome!" We would smile. He would glory. The boys would sport-talk with Dad all the way home. He would revel. I would laugh.
After showers and kiddo bed-time and monogrammed Pottery Barn pillow-cases, we would lie in bed and small talk about our day, our "stuff". He would tell me about work, I'd remind him about upcoming dinner plans with friends. We'd talk about house renovation, maybe a vacation...we'd plot our course, navigate our way through the American Dream.
It is the life that will never be, the dream that merely passes through my mind on evenings like this.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thoughts about love...
Thank you to my lovely friend, Sara Reimer, for introducing me to a fabulous online devotional at: http://www.adisciplesnotebook.com/
I have been reading this site each morning as I sit down with my coffee to spend some time with Jesus and I have been so blessed. Right now, God is speaking to me about loving authentically and being an encourager instead of a critic. This devotion was a perfect one for me to meditate on this morning. The site also has lovely background music and birds chirping so you feel like you're on a blanket in a park somewhere listening to someone to play the harp while the birds tweet in the trees. Love.
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
I have been reading this site each morning as I sit down with my coffee to spend some time with Jesus and I have been so blessed. Right now, God is speaking to me about loving authentically and being an encourager instead of a critic. This devotion was a perfect one for me to meditate on this morning. The site also has lovely background music and birds chirping so you feel like you're on a blanket in a park somewhere listening to someone to play the harp while the birds tweet in the trees. Love.
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:8 (ESV)
~~~
God is love. This statement helps define who God is. The new commandment our Lord Jesus gave us is to love one another like He loves us (John 13:34). He said that this would be our witness to the world that we are His (John 13:35). We are to love the just and the unjust like He does (Matthew 5:43-48). The fruit of the Spirit is love (Galatians 5:22). His love flowing out of us like rivers [abundance] of living water should define who we are (John 7:38). Practically what does this kind of love look like?
~~~
“I am patient with you because I love you and want to forgive you.
I am kind to you because I love you and want to help you.
I do not envy your possessions or your gifts because I love you
and want you to have the best.
I do not boast about my attainments because I love you and want to hear about yours.
I am not proud because I love you and want to esteem you before myself.
I am not rude because I love you and care about your feelings.
I am not self-seeking because I love you and want to meet your needs.
I am not easily angered by you because I love you and want to overlook your offenses.
I do not keep a record of your wrongs because I love you,
and ‘love covers a multitude of sins.’ “
Jerry Bridges
Action Statements based on 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
The Discipline of Grace, p. 39
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Why have a blog?
I'm convinced that one of the best reasons for having a blog, is so that you can unload your uncensored opinions with total abandon. That is exactly what I'm going to do today.
Sometimes I think I should be a midwife, but then I realize I am too much of a natural birth Nazi to be a reasonable one. I'm probably more of a "write a book about the awesome-ness of natural birth and the total suckiness of all other types of birth and pre-natal care" kind of girl. I can't help myself. I have now experienced 2 in-hospital, hopped up on pitocin, epidural births, 1 unnecessary c-section, and one fabulous water-birth au-naturale. I have some opinions. And I don't really want to hear all the good reasons why some people really need c-sections or medicated births etc..I know all that and much of the time I disagree, and anyway this is my soapbox.
I have experienced the gold standard in pre-natal and birth care and I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it because I think all of us are sheep. Baaaaaa. I was a sheep for my first 3 births, and my "sheep-ish-ness" if you will, almost killed my 3rd son and sent me into post partum/post traumatic crapiness. I think we are sheep blindly following the advice of "medical professionals" in this area of pre-natal care and birth philosophy, and that we have abdicated our natural instincts as women in favor of someone else telling what to do. We haven't really taken ownership, studied, researched, investigated or become educated about current birth practices, statistics, or philosophies. If you have only had hospital births and the typically standard pre-natal care available in America these days, you might be irritated with me, but you don't know what you're missing, or not missing, as it were.
With my gold-standard pre-natal care in Mexico I got to "miss" any type of pelvic exam, I never pee'd in a cup, I got miss glucose testing, I got to miss the Group-B Strep culture, and I was poked with nary a needle the entire time. By golly, these people thought it was perfectly normal that I was pregnant, and I began to realize that indeed, it was!
Instead of asking me medical questions at my dr. visits, Dr. Jose Luis and I just got to know each other. He asked about our family, how I was feeling emotionally, how the kids were doing, if Nathan was helping me out around the house. I came to know and love this gentle man. He was ministering to the needs of the "whole woman", this care wasn't JUST about the baby. Wow. He would smile as we listened for the heartbeat and tell me what position the baby was in. He even offered to paint my belly in the position the baby was in at that time. And then there was Joni, his assistant doula. She invited us over to her beautiful home where we sat visiting over raspberry tea and scones while we discussed pain-management techniques and she taught Nathan how to use a rebozo to help me during contractions. I was in pre-natal heaven. My last birth had been surrounded by fear and control and pain and losing my power, my 'say'. This experience was shaping up to be so much more than I anticipated. When I would ask fear-based questions, Joni and Jose Luis would see right through them and remind me of the very 'normal' experience that birth was intended to be. Their peaceful outlook was contagious, and I eventually settled into the fact that I was just going to to trust God and the body He had given me to do what He created it to do.
It's common sense not to check a womans dilation if her membranes are ruptured (water broken). Of course, you don't know that's common sense unless you've done your homework, because now-a-days, dr.'s (even CNM's) are pretty invasive in their approach to the labor and birthing process. If a womans membranes are ruptured, it is unwise to introduce any type of bacteria into that otherwise sterile environment. Once they do introduce that bacteria, albeit on a rubber glove, the clock starts ticking. Did you know there is a clock? Not a legitimate clock mind you, just a theoretical clock, that says that your water can only be broken for 24 hours (nice tidy amount of time) before they will cut the baby out of you. This clock exists mostly as a safety net for liability so they can't be held responsible if you should contract an infection in the womb. Of course, it doesn't matter if you have an infection or not (as in my case) at the end of those 24 allotted hours, the baby will be cut out. Nevermind that no bacteria would be present at all, had they not stuck their grubby little glove up there in the first place.
Yes, well, back to my story. Dr. Jose never checked me once, not once, the entire time I was pregnant, until I begged him to when I was in transition. Why? Well, if a woman can speak to you and enjoy a conversation after contractions have begun, it's pretty apparent that she is not on the brink of delivery. When I was at this stage, I was told to go to Starbucks and take a nice long walk around downtown and call when things really got started. We had so much fun, my husband, Mom and myself, walking through stores with our coffee, stopping every ten minutes for me to breathe through a contraction. My water was broken, I was wearing a diaper and had no idea how far I was dilated. It didn't matter, I was obviously doing fine, and birth was not imminent. We came to the cozy little birth center and went to sleep around 8 pm with me, still breathing through contractions every 8 minutes or so. At 10 pm, I finally had to get up and move, the contractions were coming harder and closer together, and I asked my husband to fill the birth tub with water. He called Joni and Jose Luis and started filling the tub. A little while later I was in the tub with soothing music and candles and that's where I stayed until my Phoebe made her debut around 6:30 in the morning. Dr. Jose and Joni merely watched and answered questions and at one point suggested a stool with my leg up to help get Phoebe unstuck from the birth canal, otherwise Nathan and I did all the work. Nathan even caught her in the water when she was born. It was fabulous. And..she was 21 DAYS, (3 weeks!) past her "due date"!
So, why do I write this blog today? What brought all this up for me again? Someone I know is pregnant..not full term yet. The dr. has been wanting to induce for 2 weeks even though the baby is measuring underweight. This makes absolutely no sense. Pregnancy is 40 weeks gestation typically, but gestation isn't an exact science, baby development is a God thing, God's timing. Phoebe's "time" was 43 weeks...she was a very typical 7lbs. 12 oz. at birth, so I know she wasn't "late", and I know her dates weren't off either..she was just fully cooked at 43 weeks. Why do dr.'s always want to mess with this? All the statistics prove that one intervention leads to another and your chances for a birth ending in c-section rise exponentially when induced. Why can't anyone just let things be? I mean, this was all God's idea right? For thousands of years women have been having babies. Why is everyone so afraid to now?
Sometimes I think I should be a midwife, but then I realize I am too much of a natural birth Nazi to be a reasonable one. I'm probably more of a "write a book about the awesome-ness of natural birth and the total suckiness of all other types of birth and pre-natal care" kind of girl. I can't help myself. I have now experienced 2 in-hospital, hopped up on pitocin, epidural births, 1 unnecessary c-section, and one fabulous water-birth au-naturale. I have some opinions. And I don't really want to hear all the good reasons why some people really need c-sections or medicated births etc..I know all that and much of the time I disagree, and anyway this is my soapbox.
I have experienced the gold standard in pre-natal and birth care and I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it because I think all of us are sheep. Baaaaaa. I was a sheep for my first 3 births, and my "sheep-ish-ness" if you will, almost killed my 3rd son and sent me into post partum/post traumatic crapiness. I think we are sheep blindly following the advice of "medical professionals" in this area of pre-natal care and birth philosophy, and that we have abdicated our natural instincts as women in favor of someone else telling what to do. We haven't really taken ownership, studied, researched, investigated or become educated about current birth practices, statistics, or philosophies. If you have only had hospital births and the typically standard pre-natal care available in America these days, you might be irritated with me, but you don't know what you're missing, or not missing, as it were.
With my gold-standard pre-natal care in Mexico I got to "miss" any type of pelvic exam, I never pee'd in a cup, I got miss glucose testing, I got to miss the Group-B Strep culture, and I was poked with nary a needle the entire time. By golly, these people thought it was perfectly normal that I was pregnant, and I began to realize that indeed, it was!
Instead of asking me medical questions at my dr. visits, Dr. Jose Luis and I just got to know each other. He asked about our family, how I was feeling emotionally, how the kids were doing, if Nathan was helping me out around the house. I came to know and love this gentle man. He was ministering to the needs of the "whole woman", this care wasn't JUST about the baby. Wow. He would smile as we listened for the heartbeat and tell me what position the baby was in. He even offered to paint my belly in the position the baby was in at that time. And then there was Joni, his assistant doula. She invited us over to her beautiful home where we sat visiting over raspberry tea and scones while we discussed pain-management techniques and she taught Nathan how to use a rebozo to help me during contractions. I was in pre-natal heaven. My last birth had been surrounded by fear and control and pain and losing my power, my 'say'. This experience was shaping up to be so much more than I anticipated. When I would ask fear-based questions, Joni and Jose Luis would see right through them and remind me of the very 'normal' experience that birth was intended to be. Their peaceful outlook was contagious, and I eventually settled into the fact that I was just going to to trust God and the body He had given me to do what He created it to do.
It's common sense not to check a womans dilation if her membranes are ruptured (water broken). Of course, you don't know that's common sense unless you've done your homework, because now-a-days, dr.'s (even CNM's) are pretty invasive in their approach to the labor and birthing process. If a womans membranes are ruptured, it is unwise to introduce any type of bacteria into that otherwise sterile environment. Once they do introduce that bacteria, albeit on a rubber glove, the clock starts ticking. Did you know there is a clock? Not a legitimate clock mind you, just a theoretical clock, that says that your water can only be broken for 24 hours (nice tidy amount of time) before they will cut the baby out of you. This clock exists mostly as a safety net for liability so they can't be held responsible if you should contract an infection in the womb. Of course, it doesn't matter if you have an infection or not (as in my case) at the end of those 24 allotted hours, the baby will be cut out. Nevermind that no bacteria would be present at all, had they not stuck their grubby little glove up there in the first place.
Yes, well, back to my story. Dr. Jose never checked me once, not once, the entire time I was pregnant, until I begged him to when I was in transition. Why? Well, if a woman can speak to you and enjoy a conversation after contractions have begun, it's pretty apparent that she is not on the brink of delivery. When I was at this stage, I was told to go to Starbucks and take a nice long walk around downtown and call when things really got started. We had so much fun, my husband, Mom and myself, walking through stores with our coffee, stopping every ten minutes for me to breathe through a contraction. My water was broken, I was wearing a diaper and had no idea how far I was dilated. It didn't matter, I was obviously doing fine, and birth was not imminent. We came to the cozy little birth center and went to sleep around 8 pm with me, still breathing through contractions every 8 minutes or so. At 10 pm, I finally had to get up and move, the contractions were coming harder and closer together, and I asked my husband to fill the birth tub with water. He called Joni and Jose Luis and started filling the tub. A little while later I was in the tub with soothing music and candles and that's where I stayed until my Phoebe made her debut around 6:30 in the morning. Dr. Jose and Joni merely watched and answered questions and at one point suggested a stool with my leg up to help get Phoebe unstuck from the birth canal, otherwise Nathan and I did all the work. Nathan even caught her in the water when she was born. It was fabulous. And..she was 21 DAYS, (3 weeks!) past her "due date"!
So, why do I write this blog today? What brought all this up for me again? Someone I know is pregnant..not full term yet. The dr. has been wanting to induce for 2 weeks even though the baby is measuring underweight. This makes absolutely no sense. Pregnancy is 40 weeks gestation typically, but gestation isn't an exact science, baby development is a God thing, God's timing. Phoebe's "time" was 43 weeks...she was a very typical 7lbs. 12 oz. at birth, so I know she wasn't "late", and I know her dates weren't off either..she was just fully cooked at 43 weeks. Why do dr.'s always want to mess with this? All the statistics prove that one intervention leads to another and your chances for a birth ending in c-section rise exponentially when induced. Why can't anyone just let things be? I mean, this was all God's idea right? For thousands of years women have been having babies. Why is everyone so afraid to now?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)