Life For Rent

Listening to 'dido', "Life For Rent", and thinking how aptly these lyrics give shape to my feelings right now:

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cause' nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cause' there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cause' nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cause' nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cause' nothing I have is truly mine
Cause' nothing I have is truly mine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't recall ever hearing this song before tonight when it popped up on Nathan's I-tunes, but it caught me off guard. The last several years of our life as a family have been so transitional, it's been difficult to feel safe putting down roots. 2006 found us in a year long Spanish training program in South Texas, 2007 saw us move to Guadalajara Mexico for 2.5 years and 2010 finds us back in Texas, preparing to move to Waco for a year of agricultural missions training. I am ready to commit. So ready. I long to plant those roots down deep, make a more permanent nest and raise my children. I am a bit road-weary, and yet I wouldn't trade a single moment of the past few years.
I've also been thinking a lot about fear of failure and what I would do if it were guaranteed that I could NOT fail. I would write. I would send articles in to Christian womens publications. I would speak Spanish sooo much more without the fear of messing up. I would move to an unreached village and have a simple place and do life with simple people and love Jesus and invest myself in discipling and training families. I would speak plainly about the Lord with my Dad. I would love people with more abandon...
My greatest treasures are those things in my life that I have "bought" and not simply rented; my relationship with Jesus, my husband, my children. I want to be one who commits, does the hard work of seeing something through, isn't afraid of failure or loss, but trusts that all my days are in His hands...