"Redeemed" by Amey Fair (I wrote this in 2003 for the YWAM Love Feast)

REDEEMED By Amey Fair

I am standing on the Great Wall of China
I am twenty two
crying into my mittens I ask You-
"How did I get here? Who am I?"
And You answer me: "You are NEW"

And I am blooming and I am shedding
and I am barely getting
any sleep
because You keep me awake
with Your love whispers and intercession.
"Who are You?" I ask
"I am HUSBAND"

And sometimes it feels
like my heart will explode into a thousand
tiny little love particles
for I am overcome with the joy of the Lord
and the Word that is sharper than a two-edged sword.
This word tells me who I am and I am FREE

I am standing at the end of the aisle
I can't believe I'm getting married, I smile
and feel Your approval wash over me
"Lord, how did I get here and who am I now?"
and You answer: "You are PURE"

Still there are days I feel haunted and blind
and then I hear that still small voice-
"Be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
"Are You here?" I ask
and You answer: "I AM"

I am standing by his crib
blanketed by dark
the smell of baby shampoo
the beat of his tiny little heart
who knew this love would be so earth-shattering?
"Father, is this how you feel about me?" "IT IS"

Oh Jesus
I am reminded of Your question to Peter
and I ask You in turn-
"Who do YOU say that I am?"
And You answer me
And You answer me
And You answer me
"YOU ARE MINE"

Sat night bloggish

Saturday night, 10 o'clock pm. I am reading a very rich, fun, book right now that I was fortunate enough to come across at Barnes-N-Noble last week. 'Surprised By Oxford' by Carolyn Weber is the book. It's essentially a conversion observed and a beautifully penned memoir of the inner-heart-dialogue of this young woman as she steps into her first year at Oxford University and a new life with Christ. I am loving the quoted poetry and the feeling that I am indeed right there with 'Caro' as her friends call her, at Oxford as a first year student. I usually gravitate toward Christian, non-fiction, life-instruction type books, so this is a refreshing change although I admit, it feels frivolous at times. I gotta lighten up with my reading. I always feel that I should be reading something that grows me as a person, or in my walk with the Lord, or a classic book that will enrich my greater understanding of literature/big issues, etc. I suppose this book fits loosely into that line-up, but very loosely. Anyway, I'm enjoying it.

Tuesday we leave for Minnesota. Our beloved small groupee, DTS outreach student and beloved nanny for our children many summers and many moves past; Jocelyn, is getting married on September 4th. Nathan is performing the ceremony, Phoebe is a flower girl, and I am wearing one smokin-hot bridesmaid dress and 15 inch heels to celebrate. I am not the short, strapless dress-wearing type kind of gal, so this is big hot-Mama stuff for me. Nathan loves the get-up. He would. ;) We are thrilled to be setting up camp at the Griffis household. Our dear friends, and former YWAM'ers, Barak and Laura are graciously hosting the six of us for our time in Minneapolis. I am looking forward to coffee and conversation and slumber party-ing with these 2, as they are truly some of our nearest and dearest friends ever!

In other news, not so fun news, life has been bumpy lately. I don't want to throw up on my blog, but this has been a tough season in several different aspects. Right now we could use prayer for direction for the future, unity in our marriage and decision making, parenting Averic, Nathan's sleep-walking-health issues, and our finances. *whew* God has always been good to us and He still is in this season, it just feels like one of those years, where one thing comes right on the tail of another and honestly, I'm just a little road weary. *yawn*

Happy news now..Nathan is signed up for another semester at MCC taking business courses and it's something that he also finds enjoyable so that is nice. His pig project from last semester has panned out beautifully and his pasture grazed pigs are TWICE the size as their brothers and sisters from the same litter who have only been fed pellets. He walked a little taller that day he came back from the farm that sold us the pigs last week! This semester's project will be a 1,000 fish aquaponic set-up where Tilapia fish and vegetables are grown in a system set up to create a symbiotic relationship between the plants and the fish. This type of system is becoming quite useful in 3rd world settings and he is extremely excited about it.
I am excited to get more involved with the local home school group this year as well as the co-op. Ben will be taking Art II and Averic will be taking P.E./Health. I have been impressed with the co-op so far and how it runs like a well-oiled machine. Maybe I could start one wherever we end up next? Oh how I despise organizing people. Oh well, what an awesome ministry! I am so glad for Ben that he will get to have detailed art instruction and get to use the professional, fun, art-supplies and make a big mess with other kids! I am equally excited for Averic to get to have some structured, physical exersize and learn how to play a few group sports. ANY opportunity for Averic to burn off energy is a good thing!!

Lastly, I am going to be speaking at a ladies church conference with my Mom and sister in the fall and I am very expectant about the opportunity. Although the specifics aren't nailed down, I will be sharing some from my testimony, and lessons of faith I've learned, a bit about motherhood and family etc. Surprisingly, this introvert gets really energized about speaking publicly. Who knew? :)

I feel like I have been in a sandstorm and unable to see anything except for what is right in front of me lately, so I am looking toward the rest of 2011 through a hopeful, prayerful, and expectant lens.

Prose for He who has taken my ashes

There is something less broad trying to widen inside of me
like yeast, rising
truth expanding,
yet becoming more narrow
The manner in which I am allowed to walk is becoming more defined
by Him who refines and DEFINES all truth.
My options become fewer as my flesh again assesses it's "fleshliness".

I am reminded that in my sin, nothing good could be found-a little leaven
leavens the whole lump.
Only because of HIM am I redeemed and redeemed UNTO Him
that He might take His glory in some small way.
My personal gain is simply a bi-product of His mercy.
Let not the pride of my flesh put conditions on my faithfulness to You Lord..

Your sheer holiness, even the small glimpse that I have, is enough to weaken my knees
make my spirit bow in adoration
Your holiness before me makes all things peripheral
I become singular in purpose
The narrow road stretches out before me
My Bride-groom Redeemer awaits at the end

I fix my gaze

Our eyes lock

He is my purpose
I will stay the course
finish the race
let the chaff fall from my shoulders
welcome the chisel
fight for this love
engage in the battle against my self
to become wholly owned by Him
who has wiped these ashes from my face
to see beauty
where no beauty could be found

end~

Phoebe's Birth Story...2 years later :)

The Beautiful Birth Story of Phoebe Lucille Fair

According to the “dates” I was due on July 26th, 2009..but Phoebe had her own ideas and decided to make her big debut almost three weeks later on August 16th. I went to bed around 1 am after staying up and talking to my Mom who had been staying with us for two weeks waiting for baby to come. Around 2:30 am I felt a “POP!” and jumped out of bed with water running down my legs. I woke up my husband and told him my water had broken and I was getting in the shower and that I would wake him up when things got started. I showered and shaved and packed up a few things, started a wash load of diapers so Nathan’s Dad (who was also staying with us) didn’t have to deal with stinky laundry while we were away and then I went back to bed. Contractions started around 4 am and were coming pretty consistently around 10 to 12 minutes apart. Nathan called our doctor and he said we needed to go ahead and come in since we had an hours drive ahead of us. I couldn’t believe it was already time to go! I woke up my Mom and told her it was time to leave, gave some last minute instructions to Nathan’s Dad about caring for the boys and we headed to Guadalajara. When we got there, doctor Jose Luis and my doula Joni were there to welcome us. I loved it, Jose Luis was wearing shorts and a t-shirt..just another reminder that this birth was going to be an entirely different experience than my other three.
We settled in to our room and Jose Luis listened to the baby’s heartbeat and sat and visited with us for a while. He said that since my labor was mild at this point that we were free to run around town, go eat, go shopping and walk around and get things going. Wow! I didn’t have to have an IV, didn’t have to get in bed and wait it out while being pumped full of pitocin..this was wonderful!! We sat and visited with Joni for a while and then decided to go get some food and walk around. We hit Burger King (I know, healthy) and then went to Wal Mart to walk around. Mom bought Nathan some shirts and I got some school supplies for Ben. All this time I was having to stop every 8 to 10 minutes to breathe through a contraction. We left Wal Mart and went to Starbucks so Mom could get her fix and then went to a tack store (you know, saddles, horsey stuff, etc.) so Mom could check out Mexican tack. After that I was ready to head back and get some rest. We went back to the birth center and went to bed early around 8 pm. Around 9:30 pm my contractions were more intense and frequent so I got up and walked around and then woke up Mom and Nathan. Mom started timing the contractions and they were coming 3 minutes apart pretty consistently. I decided I wanted to get in the birth tub so we called Joni and got instructions for filling it and asked her to go ahead and come to the center. I changed into my little sports top and waited for the water to be ready while I breathed through contractions.
Getting in to that hot water was AMAZING..it was such a relief and helped me to relax. My sweet husband had gotten all of the candles out and lit them and the room was just beautiful. There was piano music playing in the background and the atmosphere was just lovely. And then, the Mexican marching band started playing right outside the birth center. Oh me. They were celebrating a Catholic holiday called “The Assumption of Mary” and there were about 6,000 people crowding the streets. So, I labored to Mexican marching band music and fireworks until about 3 am! We were all cracking up between contractions, it’s something I’ll never forget.
About this time, I start to lose track of time because labor is getting really intense. Apparently I “sing” my babies out, as I was “woooooo” ing through each contraction. Guess one never knows what they’ll do until they’re in the moment! It was getting pretty crazy inside those contractions and at one point I begged for an epidural. I later realized this was transition as just a few minutes later I felt the baby move into the birth canal and felt pushy for the first time. Once I could feel the pushy sensation I didn’t feel the need for an epidural anymore because I knew the end was in sight.
I was in my own world at this point and would often be surprised to hear people in the room talking. My “woooo’s” were turning into loud groans and my whole body was shaking. A couple of times I fought tears knowing that crying would only make me lose my focus and I needed to focus to stay on top of things. Suddenly I had to “use the john” so I got out of the water and went to the toilet. While I was going, I was suddenly overcome with severe back pain. It was hard for me to move and I was crying out that something was wrong. Joni and Nathan got me off the toilet and Jose Luis got a flashlight and checked me to see what was going on. They didn’t tell me at the time, but the baby had turned posterior and I was in back labor. (This explains my sudden need to poop as the baby’s head was pushing against my intestine) This is where Joni really came into play. She had me put one leg on a stool and asked me to squat. It was the hardest thing I have ever done because everything in me wanted to curl up and fight the pain. They put my leg up and I squatted but it was unbearable, so I stood up and she had me bend my other knee and sway my hips. I have never felt so much pain. I just kept saying “my back, my back, my back!” And then I heard Jose Luis tell Nathan “we should give her an epidural, back labor is very excruciating for a woman.”
Nathan said he started praying and crying and asking God to turn the baby. It was such an intense moment. Suddenly the pain was gone and I HAD to push. I started grunting and they hurried me back into the birthing tub. I got on my knees and leaned over the edge of the tub and pushed. I felt her head emerge and Nathan was right behind me. He said “I have the baby’s head! The head is out!” That was all I needed to hear and I gave a good long push and felt the shoulders emerge and then the rest of the body. She came out at 6:37 am. Nathan was crying and I felt total relief. I lifted my leg over the umbilical cord and turned around and sat down and they handed me the baby. I heard my Mom say “boy” so I didn’t even look to see the sex of the baby, I just assumed it was another boy. We all sat there and talked and laughed and cried for about five minutes and then Joni said “have you checked to see what the baby is yet?” So, knowing it was a boy already, I lifted up the by’s leg and IT WAS A GIRL!!! I said “We have a GIRL!” and then we all started boo hoo’ing all over again..even dr. Jose Luis and Joni. It was a beautiful moment!
We sat there in the water admiring her for a little while and then I felt my uterus contracting to push the placenta out. Jose Luis told me to hold the cord and gently push when I felt a contraction. Two little contractions and the placenta came out. Jose Luis showed it to us and explained how it was inside of me and showed us where Phoebe was. God is so amazing to create a whole other organ just for the time a woman is pregnant! After that, Joni came and rinsed us off and drained the water from the tub. Dr. Frankie the pediatrician, came and evaluated Phoebe and weighed her. She weighed 7 lbs. 12 oz and was 20 inches long. Everyone helped me to our room and into bed and then they brought our sweet girl to me. She latched on right away and went to sleep.
I had a small tear from the quick delivery and Jose Luis gave me two stitches. After that, we all visited for a little while longer and then they all left. Mom, Nathan, Phoebe and I all went to sleep and woke around 1pm to pack up and head home. Jose Luis came by around 3:30 pm, checked me, and expressed some blood clots from my uterus which was not painful in the least..just a strange feeling. After that, we were free to go! I gave birth that morning, and we were leaving that afternoon! Incredible! I am left with so many wonderful feelings from this birth that I haven’t really had time to express or process yet..but I am so thankful that God led me to Jose Luis and Joni. I have always been told that my body just doesn’t “go into real labor on it’s own” and I actually believed that lie. Jose and Joni taught me to believe in the process, to believe that God had created my body for this very thing! Even waiting for those extra weeks was an excersize in trust. The American medical model would have c-sectioned me and had me thinking it was dangerous to wait for Phoebe. I have learned so much about trust, patience, not walking in fear, and trusting my body to do what God created it to do..the WAY He created it to work. My water ALWAYS breaks first. I ALWAYS labor slowly. God did not set a 24 hour time limit on having my water broken..the American medical birth model did that. I will never believe their jargon again. Now I know better. I CAN labor without pitocin. I CAN birth! I CAN VBAC! But best of all, I have this precious baby girl and the fondest memories to accompany her entrance into this world! I will never forget this life-changing experience!

Evenings like this....

I watch the landscape change as we drive home from dinner out.
It has been a nice evening, great food, a menu in English and I didn't stand out from the crowd.
We pass the sports complex.
Soft, green, manicured grass, lights on the softball field. Men, mid-thirties toss balls and kick up dust and slap each other on the back , "at-a-boys" abound. I see my husband glance over his shoulder, the lights reflecting in his eyes.
I know he wants those moments. On a field like that, on a night like this. I would be comfortable in the stands, I would fit right in to this....

We would walk back to the suburban after the game, camping chairs and kids in tow. He would recount each play, ask if I had seen him catch that fly-ball like a maniac. I would pat his sweaty back and say "yeah Babe, that was awesome!" We would smile. He would glory. The boys would sport-talk with Dad all the way home. He would revel. I would laugh.

After showers and kiddo bed-time and monogrammed Pottery Barn pillow-cases, we would lie in bed and small talk about our day, our "stuff". He would tell me about work, I'd remind him about upcoming dinner plans with friends. We'd talk about house renovation, maybe a vacation...we'd plot our course, navigate our way through the American Dream.

It is the life that will never be, the dream that merely passes through my mind on evenings like this.

Thoughts about love...

Thank you to my lovely friend, Sara Reimer, for introducing me to a fabulous online devotional at: http://www.adisciplesnotebook.com/

I have been reading this site each morning as I sit down with my coffee to spend some time with Jesus and I have been so blessed. Right now, God is speaking to me about loving authentically and being an encourager instead of a critic. This devotion was a perfect one for me to meditate on this morning. The site also has lovely background music and birds chirping so you feel like you're on a blanket in a park somewhere listening to someone to play the harp while the birds tweet in the trees. Love.


Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 John 4:8 (ESV)
~~~

God is love. This statement helps define who God is. The new commandment our Lord Jesus gave us is to love one another like He loves us (John 13:34). He said that this would be our witness to the world that we are His (John 13:35). We are to love the just and the unjust like He does (Matthew 5:43-48). The fruit of the Spirit is love (Galatians 5:22). His love flowing out of us like rivers [abundance] of living water should define who we are (John 7:38). Practically what does this kind of love look like?
~~~

“I am patient with you because I love you and want to forgive you.
I am kind to you because I love you and want to help you.
I do not envy your possessions or your gifts because I love you
and want you to have the best.
I do not boast about my attainments because I love you and want to hear about yours.
I am not proud because I love you and want to esteem you before myself.
I am not rude because I love you and care about your feelings.
I am not self-seeking because I love you and want to meet your needs.
I am not easily angered by you because I love you and want to overlook your offenses.
I do not keep a record of your wrongs because I love you,
and ‘love covers a multitude of sins.’ “

Jerry Bridges
Action Statements based on 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
The Discipline of Grace, p. 39

Why have a blog?

I'm convinced that one of the best reasons for having a blog, is so that you can unload your uncensored opinions with total abandon. That is exactly what I'm going to do today.

Sometimes I think I should be a midwife, but then I realize I am too much of a natural birth Nazi to be a reasonable one. I'm probably more of a "write a book about the awesome-ness of natural birth and the total suckiness of all other types of birth and pre-natal care" kind of girl. I can't help myself. I have now experienced 2 in-hospital, hopped up on pitocin, epidural births, 1 unnecessary c-section, and one fabulous water-birth au-naturale. I have some opinions. And I don't really want to hear all the good reasons why some people really need c-sections or medicated births etc..I know all that and much of the time I disagree, and anyway this is my soapbox.

I have experienced the gold standard in pre-natal and birth care and I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it because I think all of us are sheep. Baaaaaa. I was a sheep for my first 3 births, and my "sheep-ish-ness" if you will, almost killed my 3rd son and sent me into post partum/post traumatic crapiness. I think we are sheep blindly following the advice of "medical professionals" in this area of pre-natal care and birth philosophy, and that we have abdicated our natural instincts as women in favor of someone else telling what to do. We haven't really taken ownership, studied, researched, investigated or become educated about current birth practices, statistics, or philosophies. If you have only had hospital births and the typically standard pre-natal care available in America these days, you might be irritated with me, but you don't know what you're missing, or not missing, as it were.

With my gold-standard pre-natal care in Mexico I got to "miss" any type of pelvic exam, I never pee'd in a cup, I got miss glucose testing, I got to miss the Group-B Strep culture, and I was poked with nary a needle the entire time. By golly, these people thought it was perfectly normal that I was pregnant, and I began to realize that indeed, it was!

Instead of asking me medical questions at my dr. visits, Dr. Jose Luis and I just got to know each other. He asked about our family, how I was feeling emotionally, how the kids were doing, if Nathan was helping me out around the house. I came to know and love this gentle man. He was ministering to the needs of the "whole woman", this care wasn't JUST about the baby. Wow. He would smile as we listened for the heartbeat and tell me what position the baby was in. He even offered to paint my belly in the position the baby was in at that time. And then there was Joni, his assistant doula. She invited us over to her beautiful home where we sat visiting over raspberry tea and scones while we discussed pain-management techniques and she taught Nathan how to use a rebozo to help me during contractions. I was in pre-natal heaven. My last birth had been surrounded by fear and control and pain and losing my power, my 'say'. This experience was shaping up to be so much more than I anticipated. When I would ask fear-based questions, Joni and Jose Luis would see right through them and remind me of the very 'normal' experience that birth was intended to be. Their peaceful outlook was contagious, and I eventually settled into the fact that I was just going to to trust God and the body He had given me to do what He created it to do.

It's common sense not to check a womans dilation if her membranes are ruptured (water broken). Of course, you don't know that's common sense unless you've done your homework, because now-a-days, dr.'s (even CNM's) are pretty invasive in their approach to the labor and birthing process. If a womans membranes are ruptured, it is unwise to introduce any type of bacteria into that otherwise sterile environment. Once they do introduce that bacteria, albeit on a rubber glove, the clock starts ticking. Did you know there is a clock? Not a legitimate clock mind you, just a theoretical clock, that says that your water can only be broken for 24 hours (nice tidy amount of time) before they will cut the baby out of you. This clock exists mostly as a safety net for liability so they can't be held responsible if you should contract an infection in the womb. Of course, it doesn't matter if you have an infection or not (as in my case) at the end of those 24 allotted hours, the baby will be cut out. Nevermind that no bacteria would be present at all, had they not stuck their grubby little glove up there in the first place.

Yes, well, back to my story. Dr. Jose never checked me once, not once, the entire time I was pregnant, until I begged him to when I was in transition. Why? Well, if a woman can speak to you and enjoy a conversation after contractions have begun, it's pretty apparent that she is not on the brink of delivery. When I was at this stage, I was told to go to Starbucks and take a nice long walk around downtown and call when things really got started. We had so much fun, my husband, Mom and myself, walking through stores with our coffee, stopping every ten minutes for me to breathe through a contraction. My water was broken, I was wearing a diaper and had no idea how far I was dilated. It didn't matter, I was obviously doing fine, and birth was not imminent. We came to the cozy little birth center and went to sleep around 8 pm with me, still breathing through contractions every 8 minutes or so. At 10 pm, I finally had to get up and move, the contractions were coming harder and closer together, and I asked my husband to fill the birth tub with water. He called Joni and Jose Luis and started filling the tub. A little while later I was in the tub with soothing music and candles and that's where I stayed until my Phoebe made her debut around 6:30 in the morning. Dr. Jose and Joni merely watched and answered questions and at one point suggested a stool with my leg up to help get Phoebe unstuck from the birth canal, otherwise Nathan and I did all the work. Nathan even caught her in the water when she was born. It was fabulous. And..she was 21 DAYS, (3 weeks!) past her "due date"!

So, why do I write this blog today? What brought all this up for me again? Someone I know is pregnant..not full term yet. The dr. has been wanting to induce for 2 weeks even though the baby is measuring underweight. This makes absolutely no sense. Pregnancy is 40 weeks gestation typically, but gestation isn't an exact science, baby development is a God thing, God's timing. Phoebe's "time" was 43 weeks...she was a very typical 7lbs. 12 oz. at birth, so I know she wasn't "late", and I know her dates weren't off either..she was just fully cooked at 43 weeks. Why do dr.'s always want to mess with this? All the statistics prove that one intervention leads to another and your chances for a birth ending in c-section rise exponentially when induced. Why can't anyone just let things be? I mean, this was all God's idea right? For thousands of years women have been having babies. Why is everyone so afraid to now?

Tim Hawkins - A Homeschool Family

Updates and Thoughts

I realized this morning as I was reading through my old blog posts that I need to update a couple of things. One of my firsts posts was about a wonderful encourager named Lynn who blessed my life with her words at a time when I really needed it. Lynn went home to be with the Lord just a couple of months ago and even though I didn't know her well, she had a profound impact on me during that first trying year in Mexico. The power of a word spoken in due season is truly miraculous.

It's been 18 months now since my VBAC water-birth in Mexico and it was one of the most healing experiences of my life. I now have a beautiful daughter and I enjoy her more and more each day. For those of you who don't know, I had a very traumatic (unnecessary) C-section with my third son, so this journey toward a VBAC water-birth was very significant for me. God answered my every prayer and exceeded my every expectation for the kind of birth I was desiring, and I look forward to doing it again this August when baby#5 is due.

Okay, back to the present...

I am already in curriculum research mode for next school year. The curriculum craze hits me every February or March and I spend the following months looking for home school catalogues in the mail, perusing used curriculum websites like vegsource.com and homeschoolreviews.com and making notes in my notebook. Each night I settle down to my hot tea and catalogues and am entranced for hours. It's intoxicating; beautiful new materials, exciting possibilities for learning, reading other mom reviews who used this or that writing program last year, putting together dream plans for each child. I get starry eyed just thinking about it. Have I mentioned that I love homeschooling? I do. I don't home educate primarily because I feel like I should or I have to, I home educate because it excites me! This is my dream job!

Of course there are days when I want to throw in the towl, morning sickness for instance has to be the biggest de-motivator there is. The first three months of pregnancy are just survival for me, and many other home school Moms with several children afoot, but there are lessons to be learned in every season and this 'morning sickness season' has produced some good fruit in my boys. B(8) and A(6), have learned how to carry their little brother and sister to the van and safely belt them into their car-seats. They have learned how to change diapers and put socks and shoes on the little ones and have even spent a few mornings rubbing my back or playing with my hair to try to ease my discomfort. I have been so blessed in these moments and tried to remember that all is not lost if we don't get around to math that day. They will not go into adulthood without knowing how to borrow and carry, it will just have to happen another day. And don't let the previous few sentences paint a perfectly rosy picture; we have also had days where someone dropped and exploded a whole gallon of milk on the kitchen floor, a certain 3 yr old did not take his 'business' to the bathroom (several times), and they fought like cats and dogs until the veins on my forehead were popping out. Such is life. Still, I wouldn't trade our home-education adventure for the world. Life is messy any way you look at it, the blessing is being in the mess together!

I Will Survive...

I have never been sick for an entire month until now. What's more, is that our whole family has been sick for all of January. I bore myself even writing this all out again, because I've had a big bad case of "complainer-itis" the last several days and the last thing I probably need is to make a list of all of my woes. But, for the sake of purging, here goes:

It was a cool January evening and I had just settled in for the night at my perch on the couch, when I heard " Ugh!" from the bedroom my 3 boys sleep in. I entered the room to find Averic, boy #2, vomiting all over his bed linens. I won't disgust you with the details of that fateful night and the vomiting episodes that ensued, I'll just say that I spent my peaceful evening doing laundry and giving baths. The following morning, Benjamin, boy#1, started off the day in a similar fashion and fortunately, at age 8, was able to aim into the bowl I had provided for him.

Two days and several loads of laundry later, we were in the clear. I was thankful that the worst was over and thrilled that my younger two children seemed untouched by the virus. My relief was short lived as Deacon, boy #3, began vomiting on his bed linens that very night. Yes, the same bed linens that I had just put back on the bed. More laundry, more baths. The next day, Phoebe, age 1, followed suit and so my life was occupied with all this mess for a few more days. I couldn't wait until the weekend; I knew that the kids would be over their virus and we were celebrating our ten year anniversary with a trip to Austin. We had gone all out and made reservations to stay at "The Driskell", an historic hotel right on 6th Street, for two whole nights. At this point, two nights away from the kids seemed magical!

Well, the weekend arrived, with me vomiting...and Nathan vomiting. The grandparents came to stay with the kids and we hastily threw some clothes into a suitcase and made a very miserable drive to Austin. We arrived around 3 pm and went to bed in separate queen beds. We watched TV and made trips to the toilet and fell asleep at 9pm. We woke up at 2:30 pm the NEXT DAY. We were SO sick. So much for eating out at exciting new restaurants downtown and exploring the city and the neat little shops. We drug ourselves out of bed after having some Sprite and headed for IKEA. By golly, come rain or shine, I was going to IKEA; I had never been and had only heard girlfriends rave about the experience. We walked around for 20 minutes before I thought I would faint, and then we left. We went back to the hotel and slept. That evening I decided I could try to eat a roll and some mashed potatoes, so Nathan took me to "The Black Eyed Pea" (oh the romance) and I ate said roll and mashed potatoes. Eeeww. We left feeling sicker than when we had arrived. We headed to the movies where we watched "True Grit" and found it to be a lovely diversion from all our nastiness. We then headed back to the hotel and rented a dumb movie on PayPerView and fell asleep. The next morning, we went to the Capitol building and took a short walk through since I had never been inside, then we headed for home, still sick. Blech. Not the getaway I had imagined when we made those hotel reservations, but at least I didn't have to take care of my children when I felt so horrible myself, and that was something.

A few days later we were all feeling quite a bit better, but I still had the underlying nausea that accompanies every woman through her first tri-mester of pregnancy. I wasn't 100% but this was do-able, and we got back to doing school. Then the coughing, hacking, green snot monster attacked my children one by one, followed by the Pink Eye monster. No school again. We scrambled to find an urgent care facility since we couldn't be seen until the following week, and got the kids loaded up with Erythromicin drops and Amoxocillin. Okay, done and done! Then the coughing, hacking, green snot monster snuck up on me and kicked my rear end, and brought his friend, Influenza to knock Nathan out. Needless to say, we have been down for the count. All six of us.

I confess, my children have watched more movies in the last week than they have in the past 6 months, they have been left to fend for themselves, sometimes eating graham crackers and peanut butter for lunch, and have been forced to wear the same clothes for three days in a row. Which brings me to our next mishap. Our dryer began eating our clothes about 2 and a half weeks ago. Of course, I didn't realize that I had a hungry dryer until after I had dried several loads of laundry, so it wasn't until I started noticing holes and oil marks on several pieces of clothing, that I quit using the thing. I would guess that 40% of our clothing has been damaged as well as our bedding. I was quite excited about this as you can imagine, considering our current state of affairs. My favorite part, is that every stitch of every piece of anything that can be worn by this family, has been worn....several times. At long last the repair man came on Monday and the part needed will be in soon. Soon, is not soon enough for me, but what's a girl to do?

Did I mention that on Monday when the repair guy came, we were in the middle of mopping up the flood of water in our living room caused by the broken water heater? Yes, well, I'm just waiting for the roof to cave in or the car to quit working, or someone to lose a limb. I doubt it would shock me at this point. So it is with joy that I bid farewell to January 2011 and give it a swift kick in the arse on the way out. :)

Farmish thoughts

The compost out-house toilet is not my favorite. It's stinky, and not much of a 'rest'-room. I have however, noticed that there is some good reading material on the table next to the toilet, and thought once or twice about lingering for a good flip through the National Geographic. But then I thought better of it. It does make me wonder just WHO relaxes in there for an article or two. I never thought I would say this, but I much prefer the bucket with toilet seat that sits in my bathroom. It even has a companion bucket filled with sawdust for me to scoop on top when I finish. Guess cats are onto something..

The people here at the farm are fabulous. They have been incredible with the kids, inviting them to help collect and wash eggs, throw around the football and whip up a batch of no-sugar added, natural peanut butter brownies in the community kitchen. I'm impressed so far. And the food!? These people are serious about their food. In just a handful of days, we have eaten such things as chevre (home made goat cheese), some type of organic black bean relish dish with fresh cilantro and tomatoes right off the farm, homemade breads of various kinds, fresh pumpkin polenta, and homemade bruschetta pizza. I have a lot of learning to do! All of the lunches are vegetarian since there are quite a few who eat this way here. I am thrilled to say the least, because most of the dishes I cook center around meat. It amazes me that single girls in their 20's can cook this way! What a gift!

We had out first class this week on the topic of "sustainable vs. organic agriculture" which was very informative. We learned about tilling and how bad it is over long periods of time for the soil, causing erosion. We learned a bit about maintaining soil quality and the pros and cons of organic agriculture as well as the pros and cons of modern agricultural practices. This is a whole new world for us and there is SO much to learn. The people here are from all types of educational backgrounds and many of them are biologists in their own right, scientists-all of them to a degree, but so informed in all of these areas. I hope to be half as educated by the end of this year. Wow.

Well, it's late, and another home school day awaits us in the morning. We are still trying to figure out our schedule and I am trying to be patient and flexible..trying. :) It's good to be settled in a place to call "home" for now, and to be at the beginning of a new season and a new adventure. God has something for us in every time and place and I am looking forward to the things He will add to our lives here at World Hunger Relief.

Life For Rent

Listening to 'dido', "Life For Rent", and thinking how aptly these lyrics give shape to my feelings right now:

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cause' nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cause' there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cause' nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cause' nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cause' nothing I have is truly mine
Cause' nothing I have is truly mine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't recall ever hearing this song before tonight when it popped up on Nathan's I-tunes, but it caught me off guard. The last several years of our life as a family have been so transitional, it's been difficult to feel safe putting down roots. 2006 found us in a year long Spanish training program in South Texas, 2007 saw us move to Guadalajara Mexico for 2.5 years and 2010 finds us back in Texas, preparing to move to Waco for a year of agricultural missions training. I am ready to commit. So ready. I long to plant those roots down deep, make a more permanent nest and raise my children. I am a bit road-weary, and yet I wouldn't trade a single moment of the past few years.
I've also been thinking a lot about fear of failure and what I would do if it were guaranteed that I could NOT fail. I would write. I would send articles in to Christian womens publications. I would speak Spanish sooo much more without the fear of messing up. I would move to an unreached village and have a simple place and do life with simple people and love Jesus and invest myself in discipling and training families. I would speak plainly about the Lord with my Dad. I would love people with more abandon...
My greatest treasures are those things in my life that I have "bought" and not simply rented; my relationship with Jesus, my husband, my children. I want to be one who commits, does the hard work of seeing something through, isn't afraid of failure or loss, but trusts that all my days are in His hands...

Misspelling...

Thomas Merton has a quote that I love, it says; "I am myself a word spoken by God." Lately I've been trying to figure out what 'word' I am..

I am afraid of the power of my own convictions. Well, the convictions are fine, it's the mouth I own that I have trouble with. I know I'm a "black and white" sorta gal. I hate gray. Right is right, wrong is wrong and all that. I know at times, this is a gift; I make no bones about things, cut straight to the point, tell it like it is etc., but in truth, I have a love/hate relationship with this aspect of myself. The problem is, I come from a long line of women who are always right. I wish this wasn't so, as it can be taxing on one's health to have to go around all the time telling everyone they're wrong. ;)

Tongue in cheek, funny, yeah, but really, this is an area I struggle with. On the one hand, I know God has given me strong convictions. I think everyone should have strong convictions. I mean, the message of the cross is not for the faint of heart, and the life of a Christian is the life of the cross. It is authentic, not a title or a religious 'affiliation', but a day-in-day-out quest to become like Jesus, to be conformed to His image. This is radical.

I think I've got the radical thing down. I champion counter-cultural lifestyles that bring people closer to a more simple obedience to Jesus. I love it when people make radical choices towards God. My heart rises up when faced with a challenge that is only possible to overcome with the Holy Spirit. I am refreshed by people who make the Bible their standard, for real-real, regardless of what it says, even the hard parts. Strong Biblical convictions are a fabulous thing to have, they are synonymous with the life that Jesus modeled for us.

The problem is love. Or rather, it is the answer. I can admittedly, lack love in my execution. In all my zeal for ideas and p's and q's and how one should walk out his or her faith, I forget the most important thing. Love. Man, I really want to be good at this. I want HIS portion of love for people, I want to love extravagantly, selflessly, just because people are valuable, created in His image, because they are loved by HIM. So why is this so hard for me to do?

"I am myself a word spoken by God." It is profound to think of yourself as a word that God is speaking to the world, is it not? I want to be THE word He wants to say through me, but I think I keep getting in the way, not translating Him well, misspelling....

Today

No profound thoughts today. Nathan is in Reynosa/McAllen until tomorrow getting a van for the base. I'm excited that this trip came up because he will also be bringing back a glider, a crib, crib sheets and some other much-needed baby gear. I always shift into high-gear when he is out of town. The house is spic and span, the floors are sparkling and there is not a stitch of dirty laundry in the house. I wonder why that is? I think part of it is the mindset that if I don't do it, it's not getting done. If only I could be so motivated all the time.
Deacon has recently discovered he can scale the dining room table and has taken up Averic's old habit of sitting atop it and destroying whatever he may find there. Casualties so far have been my favorite candle, a few highlighters and Ben's flash cards for school. *Sigh* Much of my day has been spent saying "no Deacon!" Yes, another stage is upon us. And now, we will add an infant into the mix! Maybe this is why the man from New York I met yesterday in the check out line kept shaking his head at me and saying "God bless you, God bless you." Hmmm. Well, it made my day anyhow.
I do hold my head a little higher when I am strolling through the grocey store with my handsome little entourage, my belly bump guiding the way. I am a novelty here in Mexico..a white woman with more than two children. I get comments all the time. The lady doing my pedicure the other day said; "You have THREE and one on the way?" I replied in the affirmative, confirming the obvious, and she said "white women don't have that many kids, that is the Mexican's woman's area of expertise." I'm just trying to fit in the best way I know how I guess. ;) By the way Mom, if you're reading this, we are SO going to get pedicures while you're here. Ten bucks for a full spa pedicure! And they turned out beautifully!
I have a lot of energy at this point in the pregnancy and have been trucking along just fine. Of course around 4:30 when the sun has been baking my Stucco house for several hours and I am sutck to my faux leather couch, I start to wane a bit. This is my first time pregnant without AC. I don't recommend it. I hope I labor at night because the birthing center (as well as most public places) in Guadalajara do not have AC either. Such a contrast to the meat locker hospitals in the states! I am feeling good about the birth, and Dr. Jose is such a positive force in the whole deal. He told me VBAC's are his favorite births to attend because it is such a triumph. I am praying that baby will be in position and that God will just take care of the details. I know that I will be allowed to go for days with my water broken if need be and that gives me such peace. I have always been trying to "beat the clock" in my hospital births and I am so OVER that. America's Obstetric world is in crisis and I am thankful not to have to be caught up in that machine again. I am hoping to attend some pain management classes at my midwife's house. I love the woman like a dear friend already! She is constantly sending me e-mails of encouragement, videos of VBAC births and positive statistics. I am getting so much more than we are paying for this time around. And..I THINK we have our names chosen though this is top secret classified information. I don't know why we want to be all secretive with everything this time..we just do! It makes the phone calls more fun! Well, the Deaconator is screeching from his crib....hasta luego.

Is Lynn an Angel?

This is a question I have asked myself more than a few times in recent months. The first day we visited our new church here in Mexico our boys stayed with us during the service. The childrens Sunday school program was not up and running yet so I brought their Bible's and some paper to draw on and we settled in for the sermon. The boys did great, sat still and quiet and looked through their Bible's until the end of the service. As we stepped in to the fellowship hall a heavyset lady in a pink shirt and black pants approached me. "Your boys were so well behaved in the service. What a blessing to see a young family with such well behaved children. Nowadays kids don't seem to know how to sit still and it's nice to see little fellows who mind so well."

Of course my heart was beaming with pride, but more than that I wanted to weep and throw my arms around the this woman's neck because that kind of encouragement is not common to me here in Mexico. I have no "Mom's group", no homeschool co-op or any other type of friend or mentor spurring me on in my motherhood. The fact that someone noticed the hard work I put in to my boys was such a joy to me. Her words were balm to a parched place within me. I lived on that compliment for a full month before beginning to feel heavy hearted again.
I am in a difficult season in my life, in that I have no female companion walking along side me, no other homeschool friends, no stay at home Mom's. And so I am learning to process all these Mommy issues and struggles with the Lord alone. It is a precious time of growth, but a struggle of loneliness at times as well.
I looked for the woman in the pink blouse and black pants every Sunday since then for several months but never found her. Until last week. As we walked in to the sanctuary people were already on their feet for worship. I glanced around the sanctuary and saw her kind face. In the fellowship hall after the service, I helped my two boys get some chocolate chip cookies and when I turned around there was this sweet lady. "You probably don't remember me, my name is Lynn, but I am just so impressed with your boys, and now I see that you have another one on the way? Well, I think with the way that you train children, you should have a dozen or more." Once again, like a burst from heaven straight into my heart, the Lord used the word's of this woman to validate my life's work. I said thank you and she was quickly out the door. I stood there with a chocloate chip cookie in my hand replaying her words and quietly praying "thank you Jesus, thank you Lord, I know that was from you."

I don't know if I'll see Lynn on Sunday, part of me suspects that she is indeed an angel. But if I do, I'm going to tell her the power of her words in my life. I'm going to tell her that her affirmations have fueled my perseverance and that her encouragement has been a balm to my soul. I'm going to tell her that I hear the echo of her words in the midst of the days that I struggle, or when my boys are arguing or misbehaving. And then I'm going to hug her neck!

I will draw her into the wilderness and speak comfort to her..

"I will draw her into the wilderness and speak comfort to her." Hosea 2:14

This is my life verse. The Lord spoke this scripture to me when I was but a year old in my relationship with Him. I was about to leave everything I knew to attend a Discipleship Training School with YWAM. It was 1998. I packed my bags, my Bible, my dreams and expectations and headed to the piney woods of East Texas to share a tiny dorm room with six other girls. The next five months of my life were given to the miraculous un-peeling of the Lord. I know.."un-peeling", not the most beautiful way to describe a work of the Lord, but the most accurate for certain. So, there I was in the "wilderness", grieving, growing, allowing the Lord to unpeel the layers of the world that I had accumulated over the last 22 years. And He spoke comfort to me. He woo'd me, he courted me, won my heart a thousand times over and sealed my devotion to Him. I will never be the same because of His goodness to me and His relentless pursuit of my heart. I can never go back to Egypt, for His faithfulness has been too evident.
He still draws me into the wilderness. This is where I listen best. It is the place where my desperation for Him moves me to action. Those sweet times with the Lord seem harder to come by these days. Three small boys, homeschooling, missions work and pregnancy require my focus most of the time. It is usually in those pre-dawn hours that I find my King waiting for me and hear that still small voice. I felt led today to start this blog to have a place to write, work out my words and thoughts and document His faithfulness to me. I will share a lot about homeschooling, raising my boys, my journey towards a natural birth, missions and whatever else comes up in my heart. Whoever wants to come along is welcome..